Hey Guys! So I’ve decided to start a new series of journal entries about struggles most people (esp Teenagers) have. They won’t necessary be about problems I have but I will try my best to include as many as I can. They are signed by someone called A.N who is sharing her story and struggles in hopes that someone out there will benefit from them. This first one is about overthinking and how it affects her.
She looked at me weirdly, almost as if I was doing something wrong which I was sure I wasn’t. I glanced at her and gave her a face asking what was up, I didn’t feel like talking guess she didn’t either. She just shrugged and turned back to her work. Now that didn’t make me feel very good A. because I’m an overthinker and B. Because I’m an overthinker. I groaned internally knowing this was gonna annoy me for the rest of the day but I still couldn’t bring myself up to ask her what was up. Curse my anxiety, I already knew this day was not going to be fun. I sometimes really hate my life.
– Time Jump – 2 hours later –
I heard the door close and she was gone. I was not looking forward to following few hours where I would be working in silence, ALONE. I knew I was going to contemplate why she looked at me weirdly and you may think “Oh, if you know you’re doing it can’t you just not?” Oh gee I should’ve thought of that. NO IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT. sorry sorry, got carried away but I’m serious, it doesn’t matter that I’m self aware, it will happen and I will regret it. It’s very annoying and as much as I try to stop it or try to think positively I will still overthink everything it doesn’t matter that the moment was small, quick ,whatever I WILL overthink it and it ruins my life. I don’t expect you to understand or maybe you will, I don’t know but it takes over my entire day and it ruins it even if the moment was five minutes maybe even a minute I will contemplate it for the next 5 to 10 hours and I will most definitely ruin my relationship with this person. I know it’s not ideal and I’m trying to get better but sometimes I just can’t stop but go down this rabbit hole of emotions where I completely lose my trust in this person because they looked at me weirdly for five seconds and now I’m evaluating my entire relationship with this person because I think they don’t like me anymore. More often that not this dilemma is solved when this person texts me or acts normal again but you can be sure that I will constantly think of this moment because I still think they’re just pretending to be my friend. This overthinking always ruins almost everything I do doesn’t matter if I’m hanging out with someone or I’m just at home working on something, it will make me feel like I’m not good enough, feel like I’m weird and feel like I just don’t belong anywhere and it sucks. I’ve been trying so hard to get better, to change the way I think, to stop over analyzing everything I do or someone else does, to just focus on the present and live in the moment but sometimes it is just really overwhelming. This sense of not belonging anywhere and of no one liking me make makes me feel unwanted, makes me feel like I could do so much better but I’m not. I’m not sure if you’ll relate to this or not but I’m putting this out there, so at least one person who reads this will know that they’re not alone and that someone understands what they’re going through.
Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed! I hope it struck to you in one way or another. Please don’t forget to like, comment and share. Also in the comments please drop down something else you want me to write on!